Out of Comfort Zone

Yes, she changed her priority after marriage. She took an easy option that seemed to be good in the beginning. Later in life, she realized that her financial dependency stimulated her weakness.

Might be her ego but it pushes her to grow independent, and she is not ashamed of it. But how will she take charge of her life after 10 to 20 years of working as a housewife and a full-time mother, wherein she has nearly lost her self-confidence?

Recently at a PTM at my daughter’s school, I met a friend, the mother of my daughter’s friend. While waiting for our turn she asked me, “Is it very difficult to get separated from the husband? My life is a mess, after 15 years of our marriage, my husband is still controlling. I feel I am done but who will support me? My parents are innocent. Where will I go? What will I do? Where will I get the money?

She shared all this with me because she knew I had separated from my husband four years ago. It was a long, tough yet magical journey to find happiness and to be more confident.

Since my daughter was born, my life has completely changed. I gained much weight, yet I was weak inside. My husband and I were fighting like cats and dogs. The situation turned from bad to worse, when, left with no respect in the relationship, it became difficult to communicate.

We tried to adjust for 10 years for the sake of our child, family, and social pressure, but the loneliness and sadness were eating me up. One day sitting on the balcony, I thought, why am I living; is it just because I am not dying? What is the purpose of my life? I felt something was missing all the time.

I had twooptions, continue ina bad relationship until I die and pretend everything isok,ortake arisk. I choose to take arisk.

I decided to go to Rishikesh alone, to spend some time with myself. That was my first big step. I came back, armed with meditation techniques. They were powerful and I was eager to know more about myself. By practicing intensely for two years, I got more clarity. Gradually, I became calmer and more peaceful, yet the happiness was missing.

I pursued my dance classes after a long time. That made me happy. My health was not supporting me, yet I continued. I did my daily chores slowly to accumulate energy for the evening dance class and gradually my health improved.

I also started organizing retreats for my meditation teacher, again without thinking about what I will get out of it. These two activities gave me courage. One day I told my husband if we don’t have love and respect for each other, it is better to live separately.

Itookmydaughterandcamebackto mymom’splace. Mylife had never been so miserable – constant nagging from mom, youngersister,andauntfora yearto gobacktomyhusband.I failed to make them understand that some communication and respect are thebasicneedsof marriage.

One day my mom asked me to leave her place, unofficially thrown out. I found a decent apartment at an even better place in no time. The required furniture was provided by the landlord.

After sending my daughter to school, sitting at home, I was thinking about how to manage the rent of Rs.20,000/- and daily expenses. I had some savings, which were flowing out fast from my bank account. My priority was to stabilize my health, second to occupy myself especially in the mornings, and third I needed some regular income. There was constant stress at the back of my head all the time.

In the middle of my struggles, two things supported me, first my daily meditation practice and second my dance classes in the evening, which I never discontinued even during the financial crisis.

Soon the meditation trust started paying me a salary of Rs.15000/- per month. Besides, I took up a part-time job, teaching dance to small children twice a week. The money was exactly covering my needs.

Whatever needed came to me, shoes, clothes, and money. My friend gave me her old scooter, which was perfect. I felt God is with me all the time by taking care of my smallest needs.

I had a lot of free time in the morning, so I started writing articles despite my poor academic background. I learnt from my mistakes and life kept sending me the required help. I wrote five books based on my childhood memories “Why am I like this? It was all adding to my happiness account.

Seeing my efforts, mom realized that she had been hard on me and offered me a job at my father’s stationery shop, which was in a bad condition.

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I accepted the challenge to develop it with my hard work and creativity. Mom also started paying me some salary and I left the part-time job and stopped taking money from the trust. Life became comfortable.

I realized everything is temporary, but my sincerity, totality, and joy are real.

Life continues to bring me more and tougher challenges. In the process of finding my best way out, I feel growth in all the aspects of my being.

We are so in the habit of calculating everything in terms of profit and loss that fears have settled inside of us. It prevents us from truly following our hearts. Sometimes we keep waiting for others or God to take the first step and the whole life is gone.

Poem

I had never been persistent in my life Changing jobs number of times,

No relationship to hold tight,

No material achievements to feel pride, “Have I been so restless?” It came to mind.

Then why do I feel peaceful when I close my eyes,

Yes, I was persistent in following my heart, throughout my life.