Near Death Experience

One day, my grandmother told me, “Seeing a dead body is a sin. If you see one, just close your eyes”. Guess what, I believed her!

I was 23 when my grandfather died. The situation was unavoidable. I still remember that night. My grandfather was watching a cricket match alone. Around 2 a.m, I suddenly woke up hearing a lot of noise around.

I saw the chaos all around. My grandfather was quietly sitting on a chair with his eyes closed but he was in tremendous pain, which I could vividly feel. He was surrounded by neighbors and family.

Before anybody could comprehend the situation, he died due to a heart attack. I watched everything in great shock from a distance, thinking, this is impossible. What was even more shocking was how quickly everyone got engaged in other matters – calling distant relatives, arranging rituals, and discussing food. My mind was frozen, was not ready to accept the death.

“What is this?” I thought.

In that state of mind, I looked for a lonely corner in my home, wanting to be alone with my internal turmoil. Many questions arose – grandfather was here a few hours ago and now his whole existence has evaporated. How can anyone just disappear like this and we cannot do anything about it? Where is he now? It is a simple and obvious question and no one knows it. I felt helpless, and angry. I get to know it.  

We know how to build skyscrapers, airports, rockets, yet why nobody knows what happens after death. Surely, he must be somewhere. “If our loved one doesn’t arrive home on time, we worry and call repeatedly, anxious to ensure they’re safe. Why, then, is no one else desperate to know now?” money, materialistic things and all the knowledge seemed worthless and meaningless to me. I lost in interest in talking to people.  

From that day, these questions became part of me. I could not stop thinking about them. I had no idea where these questions would lead me in the future. For years, I dreamt of my grandfather. In those dreams, I would ask him, “Why are you hiding from us, where have you been all these years?”

Six years later, God answered my questions. It was painful journey, but eventually, everything turned into an experience and now I can share it with you.

At the time of my pregnancy, I was walking quietly in the corridor of my building. My due date was over but there were no signs of labor pain. I was very anxious about the process. Two days later, I went to the hospital, where my husband was working. A maternity ward in a government hospital was a living hell. I was shocked by what I saw. Women were crying out in pain, their voice filling the air. It was so terrifying that I could not sleep that night. 

Suddenly, I heard more terrible voice, coming from a smaller adjoining room, where the babies were born. I could not imagine myself going through that. I thought why the hell I put myself into this position? Now I cannot run away from this situation. I wish I could have fast forward button or redoing the past.

The whole time, I watched them crying and howling in different degree of pain. The resident doctors yelled back at them. I wondered if the doctors would behave in the same way with me. In such a stressful condition, nothing happened to me that night.

One after another, all the ladies got shifted from that big room to the small room to deliver the babies. The new batch came to the big room. I was the only one left from the night batch. The next day, around 2 p.m. doctors decided to induce labor artificially. The medicine soon showed its effect and the pain began, by now I wanted to get it over and done.

At first, it was bearable. Then it grew. It became so intense that I could not hear anything around me, nor I could feel any one’s presence in the crowded room. I felt I was left alone in the whole cosmos. 

I was surprised to discover my reaction towards pain. I became quiet – no complaint, no crying, no discomfort on my face. It was the same as what I saw on my grandfather’s face before he died.

It was just me…. As if I knew that from this point, things were beyond human control. I was totally tuned inwards, chanting with every breath. The more the pain grew, the deeper I went into myself. I needed something to hold on to, and my chanting became my anchor. After five hours of intense pain, a doctor whispered in my ear and asked, “Do you want an epidural,” to which I said “Yes”. Within moments, a wave of relief washed over me. I could again see and feel the world around me. My body relaxed, and I thought the worse was over. But it wasn’t. 

15 minutes later the doctor decided that I needed an urgent operation. They took me back to the Operation Theatre.

I closed my eyes but was conscious of my surroundings. The doctor made a cut in my lower abdomen and the baby came out. I had no courage to open my eyes to watch myself stained in blood. I heard my baby’s voice and a doctor said, “What a healthy baby!”

Suddenly, I felt I could not breathe. I panicked, thrashing and struggling to get air. I shouted: “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe”. I removed the oxygen mask so that I could get fresh air but I was unable to breathe.

After much struggle – I don’t know how everything went dark. Not only dark, pitch dark and suffocating. I felt as if I was rolling down through an endless dark tunnel. Hitting on the walls of it, helplessly, I was rolling even deeper into it. The tunnel had no end. I was crying and screaming, “Take me back, take me back to my family!”  But there was no response. 

I was all alone and terrified. I screamed, “My family does not know where I am, how will I escape from this?” I wanted so much to go back home. The pain was incomparable to anything I ever felt. Why is this happening to me? It appeared to me as if many years had passed rolling in it without any hope of getting out of it. 

Suddenly, without warning, everything settled down. I was no more restless. Which place is this? No darkness but no light either. I entered a strange, empty space. Just vast, calm nothingness. I don’t know how everything was changing; like cut, copy, paste.

In stillness, a movie flashed in front of me in a fast-forward mode and it took me a little while to identify that it was about my own life. Some parts were very strange, few events and people were unidentifiable. I could not recognize that this had ever happened in my life. This movie reminded me of some incidents that made me proud. I silently watched the movie.

After the movie finished, I heard a voice, “Do you regret anything?” I spontaneously said, “Once I broke the heart of a boy”. “Anything else?”, to which I replied “No”. The questions and answers were so direct and straight. No thinking, no confusion, and no explanation. A long silence after that; I felt as if many years had passed. I was on hold but peaceful. It was totally a different time dimension. Unexpectedly the deep silence was broken after many years. And I heard the same voice again, “Do you want to go back?”

I did not feel any desire or longing. I was at utterly peace, I replied, “No”. But the voice said, “You have to go back”.

Then I saw a vision of myself working in my kitchen towards the end of the ninth month of my pregnancy. After pondering over it for 10 years, now I feel that it indicates the importance of a single conscious moment. God gave me many clues in that experience. How wonderfully projected the whole scenario according to my present understanding and gave hints for my future level of consciousness. What a masterpiece!

Finally, I experienced something extraordinary, which I call a return gift from God before leaving His home.

I saw light everywhere, stretching into infinity. Something words will always fail to fully describe. There was no sun yet there was unlimited space filled with light as if thousands of suns were shining together. I can never forget what I saw. I felt home. This is where we all belong. This is what we search for in life without even realising it. Infinite peace and love, and no pain. It is hard to describe, just felt totally totally complete. The light held answers without speaking. It made sense in that moment. Even though I couldn’t put it into words.

I thought everyone deserves to see that and be there. At that point, I realized how I was experiencing everything without my physical body? How do I remember all this?  It is very strange to me to think about it now. But then, voice returned, pulling me gently back : 

Voice said, “It is time to go”

I never wanted to leave that place. How could I? Who would choose to leave that place? Why did God ask for my opinion when my decision did not matter? Why did he send me back? The next moment, I found myself on the bed in the ICU ward of the hospital, full of wires and tubes all over my body, unable to move and talk. I was very weak and had lost much blood. It was midnight.

A resident doctor was on duty. Despite my condition, I eagerly tried my best to tell him about my visit to God with all possible words. My voice was so weak. I had no strength to utter a complete sentence. He could not hear me properly and went back to his seat. I called him many times by putting all my energy to click the calling button. As my experience was fresh and wanted to share. Every time the doctor came and asked, “Do you want a little water or are you in pain”

Every time I said it slowly, “I want to tell you something” but I could barely move my body and speak. You have no idea how much I wanted to convey my feeling at that time but it was just not possible. Later, I appreciated the resident doctor’s patience. 

The next day, I was moved to a private ward; that 15 days in the hospital were very difficult. I lost interest in food, talking, and life. The only thing that made me happy was my child. I got myself engrossed in bringing up Vrinda.

Looking back, I see that experience of a glimpse into the infinite answered my deepest desire – to enable to  experience it again and again in our daily life and help others to experience that too.  

Poem

Someone in me, waiting for long,

His pain is immense but will is strong, 

He patiently watches me all the time,

He guides me, trains me for tougher times, 

How close yet so far,

Hope my failures do count,

I cannot go back, cannot stop, 

I cross the ocean, impossible, 

He tells me, you can.