Self Doubt

Some days, I feel sad and angry for no apparent reason. I become negative and pessimistic, and I feel sorry for myself, believing that everyone takes me for granted. I carry these feelings like old baggage, unaware of how they shape my reaction. I would get into arguments with anyone, just to relieve my stress. Any small thing could trigger me—a disagreement with the garbage lady, haggling with an auto driver over Rs.10, the house helper arriving late, a hurtful comment from a family member, or an unreasonable interaction with a salesperson, customer, or employee at work. Defending myself in my mind afterward would leave me exhausted, more stressed, and restless. I didn’t know how to reclaim my peace of mind. For 30 years, this went on, largely unnoticed.

Then, I started practicing meditation, but the pattern continued. Each time I lost my temper, I doubted myself, wondering what the point of meditation was if I couldn’t handle small issues or keep calm. Yet, I was unaware of one crucial change: I was starting to become aware of my reactions. 

My inner state was fluctuating. Some days, I was much happier, and nothing bothered me. I handled difficult situations peacefully and found more silence within. But on other days, everything seemed to irritate me. In an attempt to distract myself, I would look at my phone repeatedly, but it only made me feel worse. I binge-watched television and quickly ate snacks, which worsened my situation and disrupted my digestive system. I had to resort to liquid fasting for a few days. Frustrated, I thought, “How many times will I make the same mistake?”

 This cycle went on for many years. I even began to believe that whenever I had a blissful meditation, restless people would provoke me and make me angry, so I started avoiding them. Eventually, I realized that these outer circumstances were reflecting something within me, and that my silence wasn’t strong enough to handle them.

I kept practicing, and after 10 years, I learned the hard way that I had no choice but to observe myself. My loud reactions, wrong words, and over-excitement were robbing me of my peace of mind. Tolerating my inner discomfort became my only choice, a better option than reacting and getting into arguments. My understanding didn’t come from theory or concepts but from years of reacting and learning from it.

I still react, but now I do so in a calmer and more firm way. Other times, in the middle of an argument, I either take control of my anger or remove myself from the situation. Sometimes, situations slip out of my hands, but I don’t judge myself. What’s done is done. I no longer beat myself up, and if I do, I don’t fight to remove those feelings.

My Guru always says, “Just observe whatever is there and keep practicing.” And that’s what I’ve done. One cannot observe if they aren’t slow from within, and one cannot be slow without practicing meditation. It’s all practical—there are no shortcuts.

I’ve been practicing meditation for 15 years, and the journey hasn’t been easy, but it’s the choice I made. I planted a seed 15 years ago, watering it and taking care of it day and night, and suddenly, after all these years, I see a sprout.

I don’t know when silence will be cemented within me permanently, but I trust the process. It is all worth it.