Oh Fearless One

A few days back, I went to get an MRI done for my spine. My daughter accompanied me, although I told her it was no big deal that I could go alone.  But the doctor wanted someone with the patient. The technician asked me to lie down for the scan, and very confidently, I did that. The machine took me into a close compact. Suddenly, I felt that I was in a coffin, and felt breathlessness and restlessness. I asked them to take me out immediately.

I was surprised by my condition, after 10 years of mediation practice, I could not manage such a small thing. More difficult was to think of how everyone could manage it easily.

The technician asked me to breathe deeply. I laughed at myself. I asked him how long it would take to complete the scan. He said, “30 minutes”. I decided to get it done without making a big issue out of it. I took a few minutes to mentally prepare myself and lied down again.

There was no phone, no music, and no work to distract my mind. It was just me alone. I realized how easy it is to close our eyes while sleeping and meditating. But now my body was shivering and feeling that I was stuck in a coffin. I prayed to my spiritual master to help me to stabilise my mind. It was difficult to push myself to close my eyes and even more difficult to open my eyes and watch myself in a box. Somehow, I managed and was relieved to come out. It was not at all easy. 

Ever since my near-death experience, often at midnight, I suddenly wake up and watch infinite darkness with open eyes. It is not comfortable to be in it for long. I feel breathless and restless. I immediately push myself out of bed to switch on the room light. Some days, I am not afraid of the dark, but other days, I am.

I discussed my experience with my teacher. He said, “Observe whatever is there inside”. Firstly, it is not easy to identify what is going in our mind and secondly, more difficult to stay with it and to observe. There are many fears, discomforts, and restlessness hidden inside us and it is not easy to stay with it. Then how to overcome it, I don’t know. 

A few days later, I went for a walk in the park in the evening. I saw a pigeon on the ground that could not fly. People had kept water and lots of food around him but the pigeon was not eating. I saw two ladies around him trying to get some help. I asked the lady, “What are you planning to do with this bird? “

She told me that the concerned person had asked us to keep the pigeon on a high wall to keep him safe. She was afraid to hold him, so I was. I knew how birds could react to the human touch, and had some experience from before. I went close to the bird, and hesitantly I touched the bird and was amazed. The bird had no resistance. Maybe the bird wanted help.

I held him and found no injuries on his body. I tried to place him on a high platform but felt there was no place saver for him.  Without much thinking, I decided to take him home. Holding the bird in my hand I started walking towards my home. I thought it must have been uncomfortable for him that he could not move at all, but he was so relaxed. I placed him on the balcony and kept water and food for him.

The next morning, when I opened the door, the bird walked into my room comfortably as the owner of the house. He was enjoying himself but still could not fly. I thought, “Why is this little bird not afraid of anything?”

He was not eating or drinking anything and limping occasionally. It came to me that he might be an aged old pigeon. He was meditating with me rather I was meditating with him. I was enjoying his company.  

In the evening I sent him back to the balcony and there was no resistance from him again. In the late evening, while I was watching television, he was comfortably sitting in silence and relaxing. I watched him through the window.

I was eager to meet him the next morning. When I opened the door he started taking quick small circles to express his happiness.

We again enjoyed each other’s company. In the afternoon I brought water close to his beak but he closed his eyes and turned his head on the other side. The next early morning, it was the first day of Navratri, I found him dead peacefully.  I buried him in the park. He deeply touched me, why? I could not understand.

Poem

We are so good at making big buildings and software apps,

So advance our beautiful clothes,

We develop the taste, how better we communicate,

Certainly, we are progressive and superior,

But they know how to stay silent for long, to be more inside.