Jealousy

10 years ago, I asked my friend, “What makes you secure in your marriage?” 

She replied, “I have full confidence in my husband.” 

Then she asked me the same question. My response surprised even me. “I have confidence in myself.”

At time I was not meditating. Yet, I would say that I am not an exception in case of jealousy. I could recall a few incidents when I acted strangely in past. As a child, I often felt overshadowed by the attention given to my younger siblings, particularly my brother. Being the eldest, I silently carried a sense of unfairness. This feeling simmered, unnoticed, only to resurface later in life when my best friend preferred someone else over me. To avoid the pain of being sidelined, I ended the friendship. It felt easier than enduring frustration or resorting to manipulation. But in doing so, I carried the weight of grudges and I was unsolved anger, unaware of how deeply they affected me.

 About 15 years ago, I began to meditate, and experienced some extraordinary experiences. Negative thoughts dissolved effortlessly, as if they had never been part of me. It was a pure magic. My internal conflicts disappeared, my mind crystal cleared, and body light as a feather. I was filled with energy, and creativity began to flow, along with an immense compassion. All past resentments vanished, and I felt as innocent as a child again. It was transformative, as pessimism replaced optimism. Conversation became simpler and  conflicts seemed to dissolve without extensive communication. 

After a month of daily blissful meditation, an unexpected desire for closeness emerged— a longing for romantic intimacy. My marriage had ended emotionally, so I wasn’t drawn to my husband. Shyam, my neighbor, had been around, yet had not noticed him in that way until now. To my surprise, we both felt a connection. Though he was married, I experienced love that extended not only to him but to his wife as well. Strangely, I felt no jealousy. Instead, I was filled with love that expended including my husband and Shyam’s wife and family. I felt strong, and not like losing myself.

My love was so boundless that felt calm in every situation, including the complex dynamics with my husband, Shyam’s wife, and the surrounding world. A profound sense of peace reassured me that everything was exactly as it should be. I felt no need to justify myself; instead, I understood everyone’s perspective. I had no future plans and expectations, yet trusted deeply that every experience was purposeful.

During this time, I had  vivid dreams of moving through a purple light, crossing dimensions toward a brilliant white light. I shared these experiences with Shyam, and he, being spiritually inclined, encouraged me. Eventually, I felt a desire for a closer bond, but life circumstances resisted. Every attempt to deepen the relationship met with a natural block, as if life itself didn’t wish for it to continue. The separation was painful, almost suffocating at times. I realized that neither God nor others were responsible for this pain. I had to go through it. 

As the longing grew, even a glimpse of him could fulfill me entirely. One day, I attended a party hoping to see him. When I saw him suddenly everything else fades away. I walked toward him, unaware of anyone else. I felt there were no other person than two of us in the whole room. I could not hear any any party noises, all the voices seized.  I don’t know how I was experiencing it. He had to leave soon but that brief meeting stayed with me deeply.

One day on phone he mentioned that I should learn kriya yoga. My longing and pain took led me to rishikesh. That journey took me to meeting my guru. Since then, life has never been the same, and neither have I.

Even after years of meditation, I still experience jealousy, fear and anxiety with a difference that it does not take me as before. Though 12 years of daily meditation, I have cultivated a unique relationship with my thoughts. Most of the time l try to live with it as long as I can tolerate before reacting. Other times I react immediately but with more awareness, gentleness and precision. It no longer drains my energy, a marked contrast to the hyperactive, blunt person I used to be. Jealousy or any other emotion, I feel, to be honest with myself helped me to become who I am today. Also I realise, experience of true love