Chasing Beauty, finding the Truth

I went to an all-girls school, so I was quite unaware of the world of boys. After finishing school, I enrolled in a computer course. There, I experienced a new emotion: attraction to boys. However, since I wasn’t used to talking to them, I felt uncomfortable around them. Despite my discomfort, I wanted attention from the good-looking boys, but I seemed invisible to them. I wondered why. After all, I was wearing my best clothes—hand-me-downs from my aunt, who was 20 years older than me. I thought maybe my bushy eyebrows or lack of makeup were the issues, so I tried adding a big bindi, my mom’s dark lipstick, and a tight ponytail. Nothing worked. I still wondered why.

I started observing the popular girls around me and tried to imitate them. I got two dresses stitched in my size, had my eyebrows done, and switched to a small bindi and baby pink lipstick. My only friend at the computer learning centre was Usha, who was 25 years older than me. She took me to a fancy parlor for a haircut. The new look made me feel beautiful but even more uncomfortable—I was too shy to carry myself confidently.

The next day in computer class, I styled my hair differently. Suddenly, the power went out in the middle of the session, and Usha playfully loosened my hair. Before I could tie it back, the lights came on, and everyone stared at me. I didn’t like the attention.

Despite all these efforts, no boy approached me, and a year passed. I thought maybe my height was the problem, so I bought a pair of beautiful but uncomfortable heels. They hurt all the time until I got used to them. It was a terrible experience. Why did I do that to myself?

Everyone in the class had a boyfriend except me. I thought something was wrong with me.

After six months, Usha left the course, and I was left alone. One day, a smart girl named Monika offered me a ride. She lived close to my house, and I happily accepted—finally, a stylish friend my age. I was decent at computers, better than her, and she excelled in looks. We both wanted to learn from each other.

We traveled together every day. I noticed that all the boys gave her attention. What did she have that I lacked? I started wearing clothes like hers—comfortable loose shirts and stretchable leggings—but I remained unapproachable. My name, Vanisha, even seemed to reflect that if you removed the last letter ‘a’.

Monika often talked about her affairs, and I listened with interest, having nothing to share myself. I grew desperate.

One afternoon, I was alone at my grandfather’s office while he went home for lunch. My job was to answer phone calls and take orders. I received a wrong number call from a boy who sounded smart and sophisticated. He liked my voice and started calling me every day at the same time. I enjoyed our conversation. Finally, I found a boy. I anxiously awaited his calls, but he gradually became less punctual. I didn’t like that. I asked for his number, but he always made excuses. It bothered me.

A few days later, he asked to meet, but I was more comfortable on the phone. I discussed it with Monika, and she offered to accompany me. I agreed. He told me he’d be outside our center in a brown T-shirt.

The next day, I felt a mix of emotions—anxiety, fear, worry, and happiness. I dressed up, feeling extra beautiful. Monika and I took the bus and got off outside the center. There were many unfamiliar faces, and my heart raced. Then I saw a tall, good-looking guy in a brown T-shirt. We approached him, and it was him. Our interaction lasted five minutes before he left. 

That afternoon, he called earlier than usual. I thought it was because of me. But he started asking about Monika and requested her number. I asked why, and he made a sweet excuse. Reluctantly, I gave him the number.

An hour later, Monika called me and said, “You know his real name is Pankaj, not what he told you. I got his number too. You wanted it, right?”

It took me a moment to process. I replied, “No, it’s no longer needed.” I kept thinking about how Monika got his attention in just five minutes. I concluded it was her permed hair.

After two years, my computer course ended. I decided to get my hair permed, despite warnings about the damaging chemicals. It looked beautiful but was unmanageable.

Yes, I got attention from boys I didn’t like, but those I liked remained uninterested. I pondered this for many years. Eventually, I discovered the teachings of great individuals like Shri Ramakrishna, Paramahansa Yogananda, Sri Aurobindo, Saint Mira, Buddha, Swami Sivananda, and others. They wore simple, often identical clothing every day, and didn’t care about their hairstyles, footwear, cars, watches, gadgets, or houses. Yet their faces glowed with confidence, and their eyes were so captivating that millions fell in love with them. 

I finally understood something important – true beauty and attraction come from self-awareness, not from external appearances.