Continuous Noise in the Mind

Continuous noise in the mind, no place to run and hide; it feels like hell. If we react we are in trouble, and if we don’t we are still in trouble- thoughts eat us from inside- exhaust us. In simple words, duality means ‘Thoughts – the constant push and pull of the mind‘.

When I was in senior school, Upasana madam was my favourite teacher, and I was hers. She trusted me with  responsibility – locker keys, her belongings, even access to her purse. That trust made me feel special. One day, we received the results of a class test. I was good at her subject and was expecting the highest marks.

To my surprise, my friends scored 18 out of 20, while I scored 16. My friends were giggling and celebrating their unexpected success. But I felt sad, embarrassed, and left out. I wanted to have more marks than them, or at least equal to them. I saw the opportunity to manipulate my score. I approached Upasana madam with my test paper and said, “I think there is a calculation mistake, my total should be 18, not 16”. My heart was beating fast. Fearfully, I handed her the paper.

She held my paper calmly and looked at me once and without rechecking my papers changed my marks from 16 to 18 and said, “I trust you. ”Instead of feeling relief, I felt miserable. This was not the outcome I had expected. For days, I tried to justify my actions. “It was a matter of two marks only, big deal. It was just a class text, not even the final exams. People make far bigger mistakes and I am worried about my silly mistake”. But I could not quiet the noise in my mind. My thoughts troubled me to the extent of hell for days and nights.

Outwardly, everything remained normal. Upasana madam still trusted me and still gave me responsibilities. But inwardly, it was painful for me that I had no courage to tell the truth. Even if she forgave me, the real question was : could I forgive myself? 

It was not an ordinary experience and realisation for me. Something my soul had decided. Eventually, I stopped fighting the guilt and started living with the inner painful discussion. Strangely, one day, the noise inside my head faded away naturally. It was still there,  but not in a painful way.

During our final board exams, the question paper was  unusually difficult, and the invigilator was naive. Many of my classmates took advantage, openly cheated. But I decided not to. When the results were announced, most of the classmates scored 90 out of 100. The children and their parents were enjoying the success. I scored 65. My grandmother scolded me for being foolish, not to take advantage of the opportunity. But I felt no regret. On the contrary, I was proud of myself.

Poem 

What is right and what is wrong.

Although nothing can prevent us to go beyond. 

Yet, let the inner peaces decides.